The new year has officially begun along with my adventure into blogging. Deciding to blog was an easy decision with the many thoughts that continuously swirl about in my head. I decided it may be better than talking about them out loud in my car where numerous people have given me weird looks. Ha! Some thoughts may be controversial, some sad, some full of joy, and some reflective, but I ask that you follow along respectively understanding that my thoughts are mine and may not be yours also.
2013 was a weird year. It was filled with so many ups and downs and personal revelations that this may turn out to be a novel, but alas, here we go. The year started so awesome with my 25th birthday on January 25th. Andrew and I went to Michigan City, which was so fun. I thought for sure we were off to a great start. March hit and we celebrated our oldest son, Thayne's, first birthday and found out we were adding another beautiful baby boy to our family. :) My husband received a new job in March, one that was more pay, better hours, and seemed to be a huge blessing for our family. Only a month later, he lost his job. They just let him go. Just like that. Me, 6 months pregnant, working very little and my husband loses his job. Devastation kicked in and so did my journey into being upset with God and thinking that God was mad at me. This was part of my personal revelation that may be saved for another post entirely. Two whole months past before he finally received a minimum wage job, but still a small blessing nonetheless. A month later, in the midst of this whole mess, God showed me some light. Our son, Roman entered the world. He had stopped breathing right before birth, was born extremely blue, and his placenta (a baby's lifeline) was unattached. Who knows for how long? A huge storm started outside the minute, maybe even second he arrived. God showed his power, love, and grace throughout the whole experience and gave me the happiest, calmest, most content miracle baby. And the financial struggle continued. Several people helped us pay rent, bills, gas. We thought we would lose our house. I lost a lot of hope and my faith faltered. I was still so mad at God who I knew could drastically change my circumstances, but wasn't. Finally, I went back to work, Andrew got a new job, and we started working hard. It was a fairly boring rest of the year, but much needed. It gave me time to soul search and focus on my faith.
After many months of feeling upset and disappointed with God I came to some conclusions. One was that my negativity kept me in my circumstances. I chose to think that nothing good would happen, therefore it didn't. Second was that God wasn't going to reward my feelings of being punished. He wants us to have faith and continuously trust and then He can change things. Third, I realized that sometimes we need to have low moments to fully appreciate the high moments. I still fail. I still sometimes try to blame God, but then I pray, read the word, and focus on that mustard seed of faith and God always provides. He ALWAYS provides and loves. After Roman had to have surgery at only 5 weeks old, I was tested even more, but as always everything went fine and Roman has thrived ever since. God has shown me that in every moment, He is there. He has given me a beautiful family, a beautiul life, and a heart to worship. I only hope that in 2014 I use all these things to glorify Him.
